i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
