it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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