i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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