i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize