Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
