marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
