it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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