The brown eye won't let me do that either.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
