i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
