the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
