I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
