Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize