just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
