Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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