i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
