God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
