There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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