It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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