How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
