I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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