i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
