I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
