my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
