My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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