I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he puts the penis in happiness.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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