Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize