I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
