I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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