so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
