And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
