I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
