There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize