her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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