:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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