Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
