At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
