Just fell off a train. Bad.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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