Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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