The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
