I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
