I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's rum buckets o'clock
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
