Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
