You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
