My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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