i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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