plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
