You just made me feel so damn special
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
