and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
