It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
