I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
