You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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