All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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