so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
