You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
