We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize