I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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