remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
