How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
